Quick sidebar before I jump right in. Guys - don't ever send your ex-girlfriend dick pics and videos while you're dating someone else. A bit of a mixed message, don't you think? Also makes you a complete fucking douchebag. Unless a disgustingly dishonest douchebag is what you're aiming for, then by all means, be my guest.
Moving on. Tinder, Tinder, Tinder. What am I going to do with you? I am almost embarrassed to admit exactly how many Tinder dates I've been on. Just kidding, if I hadn't lost track awhile ago, I would definitely tell you. It's as if Tinder has become my Pokemon and I gotta catch 'em all.
Except dating is the worst and I don't want a collection, I just want my Pikachu. Groan. I don't even know what that means.
I'm just going to run through some of the highlights, catch you up to speed. Ready? Go.
The first Tinder date that I really enjoyed was with Tyler from Ugly Betty. Go ahead, look up the actor. Yep. That guy. So easy on the eyes I wanted to melt. But, believe it or not, that's not why I enjoyed the date. Ok fine, that was part of the reason.
We went to CHVRCHES at the Wiltern, which was a great show, and then walked to a nearby bar. He had this mesmerizing way of telling stories, definitely a writer, and I'm a sucker for a guy who can use his words. They seem to be rare.
Fast forward to this father and son sitting next to us inviting us to go to another bar. Fast forward to us getting in a random car with strangers. Fast forward to closing down a bar with them. Fast forward to him riding in a cab back to my place to drop me off. Fast forward to us texting back and forth after, but never again hanging out.
I loved this date because it was so atypical. (Besides the not hanging out again part.) It was spontaneous and fun. It was a unique experience and if more first dates were like that, this dating thing would be a lot more enjoyable.
Most of the guys have been lackluster. Nothing wrong with them, per se, but just flatline.
There was the guy who showed up drunk, knocked his first beer over, and tried to get me to go see a Grateful Dead cover band. Then told me about how he just stopped paying his rent and decided to live in a van because, who wouldn't want to?
Uh. Pass. I promise I can go through this life never having lived in a van and I won't feel like I missed out.
I also like to shower.
There was the car salesman who just moved to LA a few months ago. When I asked him what he wanted to do now that he was out here he responded with, "I want to become friends with someone who is connected in the industry with celebrities because I want to get in with that crowd."
I laughed in his face and asked him if he thought that was superficial. I don't even remember his answer because I had already tuned him out. He might have a hard time making real friends out here. Just a guess.
The most Bachelor-esque date award goes to the guy who flew me up and down the coast in a private plane. That awesomeness aside, I was actually excited to meet him because we were both from Allentown and went to Penn State. Instant connection!
He warned me the day prior that he might be too hungover to fly. The day came, he said he was fine. We flew for about an hour, landed, and then he asked for a raincheck on dinner because he was feeling sick.
He totally bailed and never rescheduled. Now, I know what horrible conversation chemistry is like. We did not have horrible conversation chemistry. He was distracted half the time anyway because he was flying a mother f'ing plane.
I don't know. I guess I made him feel like vomiting. Or my mascara had smudged all underneath my eyes. No one wants to talk to a raccoon.
Except for Clare on Bachelor in Paradise. (See here)
Sigh.
There have been a few guys that provoked genuine interested, one just last weekend, but my longest track record with a Tinder dude is 3 dates.
3!
Unfortunately, I am the common denominator, so what's going on? Do I just suck at dating? I've had so much practice you'd think I'd be a pro. But here I am on a Saturday night at 1 in the morning eating gluten free toast with butter and garlic powder typing about my Tinder failures.
I am experiencing dating fatigue. It is a real thing. The getting ready, the meeting at a place, the telling of the same stories, the anticipation of hanging out again, the disappointment of that not happening.
I. Am. Exhausted.
Perhaps a break is in order. But I've just started talking to you again, and if I'm not dating, this conversation stops. So for your sake, I will push on.
But actually, I am really tired. I'm going to go blow my garlic breath in my cat's face, because that's the point of having a pet, right?
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