Come to My Island

This.  Just.  This.  If there is only one entry you ever read, it probably should be this one.

As you can see, below are screenshots of "conversations" with two different guys.  I made the pictures extra large so you don't have to squint.  You're welcome.

I really don't want to say too much, because it's gold all on it's own, but I will set this first one up real quick.

Ok.  I tend to take Tinder conversations lightly.  I assume, for the most part, that everyone is joking (because it's fucking Tinder) and that's cool, because I like to play along.  It's a harmless distraction and some guy might say something clever enough to make me laugh out loud at my phone like an idiotic person who can't talk to people when I see them in real life.

Whatever.  Point is, I like jokes.

So I match with this guy:

Kinda (definitely) douche looking, but every day that passes and I'm still on this asshole app, my standards drop.  Read: I no longer have any standards.

Anyway, I'm sorry to say I don't have screenshots of the beginning of our conversation, so you just have to jump in here.  I promise, you aren't missing anything.  All you need to know is, initially, I didn't think he was being serious.  

As you may notice, some of the screenshots are cropped.  I did not remove any part of the conversation, only made it so that you wouldn't have to re-read lines.

Yes.  He just critiqued my Tinder pictures.  

No.  I did not change them.

Unfortunately for me, I sent him a text before reading the rest of the Tinder messages he sent after his number.

Milk was a bad choice.

Please enjoy the rest of this guy without any further interruption.

I mean...  Yeah.  

It's one of the most incredible streams of something-induced consciousness I have ever experienced.  I really don't want to say too much about it because, well, I have no words...except, TINDER  AGAINST HUMANITY FOR THE WIN!

Crazy, right?

He immediately unmatched me.  Devastating loss.

Large sigh.

Then, just this past weekend I made the mistake AGAIN of assuming! (But did not give him my number, point for me?)

Dear Cheryl, learn your damn lesson already.  Not everyone is being snarky or sarcastic or joking.  Some people are just plain insane (in the membrane...)

You and me both, buddy.  But not together.  I don't want someone who was stabbed for a Galaxy S2 just last year.  Maybe an S4.

Just an idea SHRUG FACE?  Are you f'ing kidding me?!

I guess what I should have said was that I wasn't looking for a hookup and definitely wasn't going to marry a random any time soon.  And by soon, I mean ever.

Anyway, there you go.  I wanted to share those with you because people actually say this shit and it was too good to keep to myself.

Sharing is caring.

I'm really bummed I didn't eat any candy corn or candy pumpkins this year.  Yes, I know it's all chemicals and sugar.  What's your point?