I mean, yes, but no.
The first is to accomplish something that's truly amazing. Amazing. That word is so overused today that it has lost emphasis. But I'm talking about the amazing that fills one with honest emotion. It can captivate or leave an impact. Maybe it only lasts 5 minutes, or maybe it doesn't last at all. It's not really about leaving a mark or a legacy. It's about a feeling of great accomplishment. That feeling when you finish a half marathon, or something of the like, but magnified. More rewarding.
I know I'm not alone. A lot of us want to do something BIG.
The saddest thing is, most of us never do. I realize that there is a great chance that I never will. Not because I don't want to, but because life may consume all of me before I'm able to make room for this Thing. And it breaks my heart.
Of course, accomplishments of the size to which I'm referring are usually bright enough to shine over time. There are 1,000s upon 1,000s of stories about people who accomplish great, inspiring things, but their initial goal wasn't to inspire. It was simply to do whatever it was that they did. When you factor in the "how" and the "why" with the end result, you get inspiration.
The stories of my life so far...eh. Some are really funny. Some are good. Some are sad. I've overcome some challenges. I've lost some battles. But they are all short essays. I want to experience that life altering accomplishment that can write it's own novel.
And yes, I realize I'm always in the middle of a story. Story of my life. That's not what I'm talking about here.
Instead of writing about wanting to do it, I should just focus my energy into doing it. Yes. Except I don't know what "it" is. That's why you're reading this.
So, the second thing seems to tie in with the first, though it is possible to have this without the above. I want to find that person who will be there with me throughout the process of accomplishing this Thing. Who swells with so much pride because they are standing next to me that they almost burst, and when I do finally accomplish Thing, they are running up to give me the biggest hug of my life almost before I'm even finished.
It would be great if I was also having sex with this person, but that isn't 100% necessary.
I truly hope I'm not offending any of my friends by saying I haven't found this person yet. I am so thankful for the incredible people in my life that it's overwhelming and I can't express my gratitude properly in words. But I don't feel as if I have found My Person.
With my heart and mind, I believed Rhoades was it. This made it nearly impossible for me to let him go. I do think he wanted to be, but in his own way which never quite matched up with mine. I learned that it is possible to love something so much, you can kill it.
Like over watering a plant or squeezing the life out of a hamster.
I worry that he was my Great Love. That I lost the best friend I'll ever have. That I will never feel the way I felt with him again.
But then I worry that I'm wasting my time worrying about all that.
I will always be a work in progress. I have learned more about myself in the past 2 years than I have in the previous 10. Much of it has required hard, painful work. I cry for the good I have lost, the good that I have, and the good I fear I will never experience.
But. I still get up in the morning. I create awesome shit at a job I love. I dance and laugh with friends. I dress up my cat in costumes. I read fantastic stories and I hope that perhaps one day I will write about my AMAZING accomplishment and my person will be there hugging me as I type "The End."
P.S. Tinder matches mean nothing.
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