Boom

It completely blew up in my face.  Though, I'll admit, I helped push the big red button.  But maybe that needed to happen.  Maybe the foundation of the building was flawed and the building was always doomed to collapse.

So after the explosion, we walked away.  No one wants to look at their own masterpiece crumbled into pieces at their feet.

I have never felt so empty.  So wrong.  So lost.

While I'm aware that just about everyone experiences the loss of love, it always feels so damn personal.

Like no one understands what you had.

You're convinced that you'll never find better.  You'll never find that connection with someone again.

You're positive that you should just tie a plastic bag around your head.

And then, something happens.  You start to feel bad about having the same conversation with everyone who will listen.  You start making plans, doing what you want, with who you want, whenever the fuck you want.

You put yourself first again, something you really never should have stopped doing to begin with.

Next, you adopt a kitten.

And you fall in love all over again.

The past few months have been more complicated, confusing, and painful than I can really convey, but I truly believe I am a stronger person for having gone through them.  Cliche, I know.

Live and learn they say.  I have learned tremendously.  I know what I want, what I don't want, what I'll never put myself through again.  What's important.  What's not.  What it's like to be unhappy and in denial about it.

While I was reflecting on the past, so was he.  And we both came to the same conclusion.  He fucked up and I wasn't completely crazy.

I'm mean, it's not that black and white.  I made mistakes, too.  Let's just leave it at that.

So, we're returning to the cracked foundation and fixing it.  Or at least attempting to.  While neither of us know if we can bring it to a point where it is strong enough to hold our lives together, he wants to try.

So do I.