Let's Talk

I will begin by saying that on this New Year's Eve in San Diego, I was poked with a frozen sausage and that was the most action I got.  I see that as an improvement from last year.

Now, I've come to realize through repeated experiences that girls dislike conversations which are prefaced with some variation of "We need to talk..." just as much as guys.  When a conversation starts in such a fashion it is very rare that both parties will walk away happy.
I think I could go the rest of my life without hearing or speaking those words and be quite content.

Girl:  "Can we talk?"

What she's really saying:  Do you like me because I like you and we're hanging out all the time and we talk a lot and I think you're cute and since we're having sex my emotions are going crazy 'cause I love having sex with you and I'm probably confusing lust with love but I still want to make sure you're not sleeping with anyone else 'cause I'll go batshit crazy wondering if you are sleeping with another girl so what I'm really asking is can we be mutually exclusive? 

Commitment.

Guy:  "Can we talk?"

What he's really saying:  You're awesome.  I'd fuck you.  I have no interest in dating you.

Friends.

See?  

Both suck.  And not in a wet, tongue-twirling kind of way.

Thank God for friends.  Seriously.

I'm lucky to go out on weekends surrounded by a bunch of good looking guys who are willing to be my wingmen in a second.

Have you met Ted (Cheryl)?

And, if there is no one who catches my interest, that's ok.  I just stare at my hot friends who make me laugh.

I'm just as lucky to have even better looking girl friends.

Last weekend I went to Big Foot West with J.C. and J.B.  If you remember, the guy to girl ratio here is very favorable to the females. With a low douchebag count, the vibe in general is very chill.

Plus, they have this toasted marshmallow drink that I want to swim in and consume at the same time.  Divine.  But I digress.

J.C. asked me to tell her who I wanted to talk to so she could go up and grab them for me.

I just smiled.  Had I pointed someone out, she totally would have done it, and for that I love her.

But just the thought of her pulling a guy and dragging him over to me makes my face turn shades of red.

I really wish that didn't happen.  So annoying.

There's got to be a better way.  Right?

Well, this weekend I found out that if you are visibly injured, as I was with an ankle brace and a limp, that gives guys the perfect conversation starter.

And it's not, "Can we talk."

This makes their approach easier and more likely.

I think I will wear a dress with an ankle brace accessory all the time.

That or Fuck Me boots.  Those work too, apparently.

Over these past few weeks I have fallen in love with my friends all over again.  It's a consistent affair and one I wish never to end.

One day, what I know I should do with guy and what I want to do with him will match up.

There will be no need for that fucking "The Talk" conversation.

The words will shine through the eyes, be written on the smile, and float through the chemistry.

Well, in some fantasy theory anyway.

I will look back at all the shit I tried to turn into flowers and laugh at how silly I was.

Until then, I will order some personal business cards and hand them out randomly.  It's all about the numbers, right?